Love is love is love is love is love is love is LOVE!

I got engaged February 23^rd of 2010, and on March 13^th of this year, 2011, I gave my partner her ring.  It was a quiet Sunday evening, and we just got home from our trip to Seattle for Spring Break where my dad’s side of the family still lives.  My partner met that side of my family for the first time on that trip, and it was a fantastic time.  Our exchange of rings was quiet and sweet, we love each other and that is something to be cherished and celebrated. 

I have to admit that while I couldn’t be happier to have someone who loves me and who is so able to deal with my shit, I want a wedding; I want to have our families together to celebrate with us.  I know that there are those who think that my ‘lifestyle’ is an abomination that it’s abhorrent, and they are entitled to those beliefs.  But the fact is that I have love, and I feel as though I have just as much right to want to celebrate that.

My partner and I started discussing wedding plans almost immediately after she proposed last year.  We decided on colors, flowers and even the venue for the ceremony and reception.  The expenses were adding up quickly, and neither of us have saving that would cover it nor do we have parents that are willing or able to contribute to the cause.  My mom has never been great with money, especially saving it!  My dad offered to do the catering, but the venue has their approved list, not to mention that he lives on the other side of the country.  My partner’s parents are quite conservative, and don’t really support our relationship though they have recently begun to acknowledge it.  So, we put plans on hold.  I had to get money saved for the move here to Fort Wayne last summer.  I also had to get into and situated in an apartment and get mentally prepared for the job search and the start of the fall semester.  She had to get acclimated to life in the USCG, and had just moved into a new apartment where she is stationed.  With all of that, planning a wedding went by the wayside and we have just gone about life. 

My partner is one of five children between her parents who are both remarried adding a total of five more siblings to the situation.  She is the oldest of the kids her parents had, and her brother who is next in line announced his engagement at the end of 2010.  Her whole family has jumped on board to offer support both emotionally and financially.  I don’t mean to sound whiney, it’s just a little frustrating.  She and I have been together for over four years, the last year of which we were engaged, and the majority of the family refused to even acknowledge my existence.  But her brother’s engagement and marriage are the talk of family, as they all are planning gifts, travel and accommodations for his wedding.

I am not saying that I want their money or that I want them to pay for or plan our wedding, more than anything I want for my partner to feel that support from her family.  Her heart is repeatedly broken by the way her parents react to her relationship, skirting around it like it’s a disease they can catch.  I am not her partner but her ‘friend’ in their conversations… “So, how’s your friend doing?”  Friend?!

I think back to a post that Vickie made about her visit to Fort Wayne Pride, and I wish that more people in this world shared her sentiments… In her blog post, she said, “there is not enough love in the world to begin with, and if you find someone to love whether they share the same body parts as you do or not, you have every right to live your life with that person free from judgment and fear. Period.”

Love is love is love is love is love is love is LOVE!

To those in the trenches of academia

In our paper, paper #2-cretivity, I found that while my relationship with my mom is rocky at best, I have a great amount of respect for her.  Over the course of the last few weeks since spring break I have been struggling to keep afloat academically.  The whole load of all my classes came crashing down on my head and shoulders.  I have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions-- crying, self-loathing, telling myself that I can do it, resolving to the good old- “all you can do is the best you can do,” and back again to self-loathing… I have something against succeeding I think, at least on a subconscious level.  But, I look back to my childhood, well from 5^th and 6^th grade, and I see my mom struggling to raise two kids, go to school full-time, work as much as she could, and try to have some moments of free time.  I see that sacrifices she made, and though there are some that I don’t necessarily agree with, she made it happen.  She went to nursing school and became an LPN, then worked for a year to gain some real-life experience.  After that year she went to Marian College in Indianapolis, now Marian University, full-time in a two year, accelerated program and is now and has been working as a Registered Nurse for over 15 years. 

She has seen her fair share of obstacles in life, and as humans we all make mistakes, but she survived and is an incredibly strong woman because of it all.  For this, I have incredible respect for her as a person, a woman, and as my Mother.

To all of those who seek academic ends, which are seemingly never ending, here is the one thing that I have learned—Keep at it, keep at it, and keep at it.  It isn’t easy and it shouldn’t be, this is the rest of our lives and creating that kind of sturdy foundation should be laborious. 

I have a great amount of respect to all who seek this path and find the strength to make it through. 

excuse me while I vent a bit... GRRRoup Work

In this rant I am making no claim to perfection nor am I attempting to denounce my own issues with procrastination.  I am merely venting about my most recent experiences with group work for a 400-level communication class.  That being said, I will commence.

Ok, rewind to the early part of the semester.  One assignment for this class is a group presentation/reading forum based on our choice of an article from a provided list.  I chose one that, based on the shortened title, looked most interesting.  The article, Boys Don’t Cry and Female Masculinity: Reclaiming a Life & Dismantling the Politics of Normative Heterosexuality, focuses on the narrative strategies employed in the film, Boys Don’t Cry.  The film is based on the life of a FTM transgender.  Anyway, my purpose here is not to analyze the film or the article for you.

We have had access to our articles through BlackBoard since the day we signed ourselves into these groups.  The Tuesday before spring break two of my group members approached me about setting up a meeting time.  We agreed on Thursday, the 17^th.  We were to meet at a local coffee house at 6:30 that night.  I am not generally a very punctual person, but I got there ten minutes early.  When I walked in I didn’t see any one from my group, but since I was early I just took a seat and waited.  I realized that there was a back room, so I ventured down the hallway and peered into the room only to find that no one was in there.  I went back towards the front of the shop, sat back down and waited.  I waited and then waited some more.  I waited until 7pm.  I emailed all of the women in my group to no avail, well no responses that night anyway. I emailed the Prof to see what she recommended, and she responded saying that she had talked to all members of my group earlier in the week in our consultations and that they all sounded excited about the project. 

The next morning I decided to email everyone through IUmail only because I have heard a number of stories about blackboard eating messages.  So this was Friday morning, I drafted an email including my phone number and non-school email address and still I heard nothing back.  Now mind you this is where I admit that not a single one of us had exchanged phone numbers—STUPID, I know!! 

I headed off to work, worked my shift, came home and read until I drifted off to sleep.  I woke up early Saturday morning to get started on homework and checked all of my email accounts.  One response- She said that no one had told her about the failed meeting.  So she and I began correspondence to see if we could find some time in which to meet.  By the time I had to go to work, we agreed on meeting Sunday at 7pm at a different local coffee shop.  An hour before we were to meet girl #2 called… She just got all of my emails and had been so busy she had forgotten about our project, continuing on about everything that she has due Tuesday.  (Yeah, well I have a shit ton of stuff due this week too, but come on!)

Ok, whatever… we were, well 3 out of the 4, we were meeting!  Progress, right?

The venue changed, so I came to the campus library and sat down with my group to discuss our paper and our strategy for our presentation.  I was thinking that I would have this project knocked out in a couple hours and would then be able to focus my energies on my four other papers and mountain of reading.  Boy was that wishful thinking! These two girls had not even read the article!!  I think in terms of our article, we got pretty lucky. The reading itself was pretty straightforward and easy to understand.  So the one girl looks at me and says, “So, don’t take this the wrong way, but since you actually read the paper maybe you should do the outline and analysis part of the assignment.”  It was all I could do to not laugh in her face!  The entire assignment is 140 points of 450 total for the class.  70 of the 140 is based on the typed outline and 2-3 page critical response.  So, wait, because I actually did the reading I earned the privilege to do the majority of the dirtiest work to earn the group grade without the group effort?  How the hell does that make any freakin’ sense?  Yea, it doesn’t!!

I honestly have yet to have a good group work experience! I now have to step off my bitch box, and get to work on the project!! If you want the grade, you have to do the work…

Leaving on a Jet plane... Unfortunately I knew exactly when I'd be back again

It was official!  Vacation had begun, I was in Detroit, and Natalie and I were packing our bags!  I was too excited to sleep! It wasn’t until after midnight that I was able to shut my eyes and our alarm went off at 3:45 in the morning.  Dressed and ready, we loaded up the car and drove to the Coast Guard station where we were meeting one of her fellow Coasties who would be driving us to the airport.  The plan was to leave my car there so that one of the guys from the station could take a look at it while we were out of town. 

We walked into the airport with almost three hours to kill, and just as we approached the ticket desk, I realized that I still had my car keys in hand.  “Dammit,” I thought, “so much for getting the car squared away while we are gone!”  Such is life I guess!  Oh well, we were in the airport and not far from being in the air and on our way to Seattle.

Once we were in the air it was smooth sailing, and we lucked out with a straight through flight.  I don’t really care much for flying and find the only benefit being the expedited travel time.  When we landed it was almost eleven in the morning and gray- as it usually is in Seattle- but it was near 50 degrees, which is better than what was happening back here!  We got our rental car and hit the road!

(I was born in Seattle and lived there until the age of five when we moved to Indiana.  After a year here, we moved back to Washington and lived there for another year before returning to Indiana where I have lived ever since.  I have, however, made many a trip to the state and it is the place that feels most like home.)

First Stop:  Pike Place Market and the original Starbucks

At Natalie’s request, we headed for the waterfront.  Heading north on I-5, I watched her anxiously to see her reactions to the scenery.  It is a route I have taken a time or two, but I have yet to tire of the views: the hills, the trees, the mountains, the city, the water—I love it every time.  The Mercer Street exit spits you out into the city, and it is just a couple of curves and a turn or two before you are right next to the Seattle Center, home to the Space Needle and the Experience Music Project, continue west down one very steep hill and there you’ll find the waterfront. Parking is an adventure downtown, but once we found a place to park our adventure was officially on!

<<highly recommend the salted caramel hot chocolate>>

It wasn’t long before we finally heard from my dad, so we decided to head back towards Tacoma to meet him for lunch.  Natalie was meeting my dad for the first time! It was great to see him, and I really hate that I generally get to see him only once a year. 

--ok, for now my hands are tired and so am I

And all I wanted to do was go!

I remember waking up on Monday morning, February, 28^th, thinking “ok, all you gotta do is make it through the next four days and you’ll be on a plane.  Just four more days!”  This became my internal pep talk for the week.  Any time I felt overwhelmed or underinterested the little chant played in my head, “just three more days,” “just two more days,” until finally Thursday morning rolled around.  On Tuesday a series of events resulted in no class meetings on Thursday, which meant that I would be able to leave for Detroit even sooner than anticipated!  I woke up on Thursday and quickly set out to complete my to do list before hitting the road.  I had to pack, straighten up the house, take out the trash, set out extra food and water for the cat and the hedgehog, swing by the pharmacy, go to the dealership to get my title work, and lastly go to the license branch to title and plate my “new” car.  I thought, “sure, this should be a cinch!”  WRONG!  All the stuff around the house took a little longer than I anticipated mostly because I didn’t want my friend who would be stopping by to check on the animals while I was away to think that I was a slob. But I was optimistic when I finally got out the door. I was still ahead of schedule.  So I called the dealership on my way to the pharmacy, and the lady, who is entirely sweet but incredibly disorganized, said that she would do her best to have my paper work ready.  Mind you, I live near Jefferson Pointe and it was that Wal-Mart pharmacy I was going to, and the dealership is in New Haven.  I bought the car on the 12^th of February and was told to come back in ten days for my papers.  I returned to the dealership roughly 14 days later only to find that my stuff still had not been taken care of.  My temporary plates were going to expire upon my return, a day the BMV is closed, so I had to make sure I had this taken care of before I left.  I called on my way from the pharmacy, and was again assured that everything would be ready to go when I got there…  On the contrary!  She had not even so much as pulled my file when I walked in, and after sitting there for a half an hour listening to her babble on about schtooping the owner did she finally realize that my paperwork had not even been notarized.  Not only had they not said anything about the car having been wrecked or having a rebuilt title, their customer service sucks—they’re friendly but quite lacking in the efficiency department.  She proceeded to ask if I minded waiting while she drove a half an hour away to get it notarized, and well, what choice did I have?!  So there I sat…  waiting…  and waiting…  Finally she got back and I was out the door and off to the BMV.  I was in an out, but not before I realized that I did not have my bank card in my wallet.  I sat out in my car and desperately tried to remember where I had it last.  I remembered I shoved it in my coat pocket after getting gas one day.  Unfortunately, it was my big winter coat that I wasn’t taking on vacation, so I had to drive all the way back to my house to get it…

Finally, with bank card in hand and back in the car I was on my way to Detroit. 

A Much Needed Break

As Spring break was approaching, I started to feel the urge to get away.  My course load was beginning to get to me, the hectic life of a long-distance relationship was also wearing on me, and the overall desire for one single day free of obligations all led me to suggest to my fiancée that we look into taking a vacation during my Spring break.  This was an opportunity that we both jumped for.  As a couple, taking a long and far away trip was one thing we had yet to do.  It didn’t take us long to decide where to go since my dad’s side of the family all still live out in Washington state, and I hadn’t seen them in over a year.  Natalie has never been to Washington, so we thought it would be a great opportunity to see some sites and get more acquainted with the area because we are hoping to be stationed there within the next year once she finishes A school.

We have been hit with a few curve balls over the course of the semester, mostly to do with our vehicles, but we were determined to go on this trip!  Natalie put in for leave and we waited and waited to book our flight until we finally decided we couldn’t wait any longer.  So we crossed our fingers her leave would be granted, and bought the cheapest tickets we could find—which, as you might imagine were not that cheap this time of year and only a couple few weeks before we were supposed to be leaving. 

As break crept closer and closer we were both nervous and anxious.  We were beyond ready for a vacation and some quality time, but our trip was in a matter of days, but we still had no word yet on whether or not her leave was approved.  It was a good thing we didn’t wait to book our flight, because they posted her approved chit only four days before our scheduled departure at which point we never could have afforded to go.

And so it came, the week of our departure… 

I know I missed peer reviews...

I am wanting to create a student reading/ open-mic series, that would meet once a month or so throughout the semester.  At IUPUI, we had something like this and it was a great experience, and I thought maybe we could use something like that here.  I was wondering if there were any suggestions for locations or any suggestions in general?

one big blur

over the course of the past couple/few weeks, I don't really even know any more, I have had difficulty after difficulty in the world of the automobile.  Blowing power steering and having to get that fixed is one thing... I put the for sale signs in the car, and quickly started getting phone calls.  Some were turned off by the high mileage, well shit, so was I that thing was a ticking time bomb and I wanted to get away before it blew!  But I had two potential buyers lined up to come and take a look at it on a Friday afternoon.  After the long week I decided that I was going to treat myself and sleep in. And so I did, and I got up and at a leisurely pace put on my robe, made some hot tea and oatmeal for breakfast.  I snuggled up on the couch with my breakfast, excited with the potential of getting rid of my car and buying a nicer, newer vehicle-  CRUNCH!  I look out the picture window only to see my car rocking back and forth.  I quickly threw off my blanket and slipped into my slippers and ran outside.  Sure as shit, my car was smashed.  Who ever hit my car, and I have my theories, took off without a second thought and that was that.  There was no way now, I thought, anyone would want to buy my car and especially not for the price I was asking.  I only had liability insurance, so there was no way of fixing it either, unless I paid for it.  And being a hit and run with not a single witness, the cop said that the chances were slim to none that anything would come of it...  So I had nothing else to do but cry! It was one of those moments where I thought, yeah everything was going a little too well... I should have known that something would have to give or it just would not be my life. 

Needless to say, someone did buy the car though it was for a significantly smaller dollar amount, and I was able to find a car for myself.  It is far from free of problems, but my fiancee is trying to convince me that I at least have a car that is worth putting money into now...  Except my issue is that I had to spend $3500 on a car worth putting money into, and I have already put another $400 into it. I am about tapped out in the department of funding.  So, while I love being able to get from point A to point B, I hate cars!

Is this much snow really necessary?!

As a new resident of Fort Wayne and Northern Indiana, I cannot help but wonder if this much snow is a usual occurrence around here.  I only moved two hours north of where I had been living for nearly five years, but I really do not feel as though we got that much snow.  So is this what I am to expect in terms of a northern Indiana winter if I find that I am here for more than one!?

Last weeks winter storm dubbed by the news as "BLIZZARD 2011!" resulted in a fairly decent amount of snow accumulation, but even prior to that it had snowed frequently whether it ended in much accumulation or not.  But this so called blizzard required digging.  I live in a house on Jefferson that is split into apartments, so when I woke up Wednesday to the expected snow and canceled classes I didn't think much of it... That is until I realized that there would undoubtedly be class on Thursday... I bundled up to step outside and see the damage, only to find that the city plowing truck who had worked so diligently to clear the streets had buried my car.  The snow, which was no longer the pretty, fluffy, light snow that had fallen, was heavy, compact, and mixed with salt.  I set out to undo the damage, and it only took two and a half hours... Two and a half hours of shoveling, heaving, sweating and back breaking efforts.

But my car was free and I would be able to make it to campus the next day.  And that is exactly what happened, and while I was at school my fiancee, who was unable to make it the day before because of the snow, surprised me by coming to Fort Wayne while I was in class.  She kindly informed me  that she had not taken my highly coveted parking place and had shoveled more snow making room for both of our vehicles.
When I got home, I quickly found this not to be the case.  Yes, there was space for my car, but there was not a way to pull into that space without going over a big bank of snow and the space was so tight between the front of her car and the wall of snow that in the oncoming traffic I was supposed to somehow fit my car in... I gave it my best, but quickly became nearly enraged because a) I had spent so much of my time and effort making sure that I would be able to get my car out of my spot and also have a spot to pull into when I returned, b) I was now stuck, ass-end of my car in the road as I was being honked at and cursed by passersby, while trying furiously to shovel my way out.  I did finally make it out of my little predicament, but not without blowing my power steering.  I immediately went to get it looked at, and after much discussion I had to schedule an appointment for the next day.  After sitting in the waiting area for almost two hours the mechanic informed me that it wasn't the hose, and it wasn't the motor as had been thought but instead my tie rod was on the verge of breaking, and would need replaced.  After all that my power steering still is not working and I had to make yet another trip back to get a belt readjusted to stop the chirping that commenced after my second trip to their shop.

I woke up today to find my car covered in snow again, and though the snow was not as high as it had been on Wednesday, it was still too high for my liking.  I suppose it could have been half way up my car door and packed underneath too, but I am still beyond over the snow, the shoveling and the salt! 

I think I can be done with this rant now...

filth and squalor...

I don't really know if logging in and blabbing on randomness as I have been doing is really what I am supposed to be doing with this... but until I am told differently, I guess this is what I will continue to do...

So onto my filth and squalor...
It seems that my fiancee thinks that these are the conditions in which I am living since the beginning of the semester.  I have decided to commit social suicide for the next12 or so months so that I might finally be able to graduate.  I am enrolled in 18 credit hours this semester and I cut my hours at work, though I am still working part-time.  While I did not intend, in my social suicide, to create conditions of filth or squalor in my home as a means of obtaining the goals of having no social life.  I was however informed that my house was a stinky disaster. 
I had only been gone for the afternoon when she arrived at my house and I received this new, and I swear that I did not see what she saw nor did I smell what she smelled.  I will admit that the trash needed taken out, and that I also needed to do the laundry, but I firmly maintain that she exaggerated the details of the situation.
My apartment is rather small and tight, so if things aren't put back into their designated places, it does seem far more cluttered and messy, but still.... FILTH AND SQUALOR?!? lol
This has all become a laugh for us both, and I'll even admit that I introduced the word squalor as I was defending myself and the not-so-bad state of my living space. 
I suppose it's a good thing that I already have the ring on my finger!
needless to say, she cleaned the house from top to bottom which is the best thing I have seen coming out of my course load so far!

snow, snow, snow....

I am lacking any feeling of creativity as I sit here and stare at this blinking cursor.

I am weary with tired eyes though quitting is not an option
walking away is easy but not among the possibilites before me
I do not feel as though my writing here, required or not, makes me pretentious
nor do I think it is important enough for anyone else to read or seek out
I have often rambled on papers that will never be seen by any other eyes than mine,
most of those ramblings are just that... nonsense scratched onto paper
meant only to be seen, felt, experienced, and dispelled on the page.
I like to entertain the idea that I am a poet, and was once advised to claim the title
though I don't feel as though I or my words are worthy of such a title...
I write for a sense of making sense, sometimes with alliteration or imagery
sometimes not, sometimes there is something grand and meaning full and sometimes
there is nothing but letters arranged in a way that could only make sense to me
but I was told once that perhaps that is poetry too
maybe what it is that I have to say will fall on the ears or within sight of just
the person who needs them
maybe my words will never find another soul to whom they carry meaning,
but regardless of what is in the works for my arranged letters
I will not stop composing

I find that sometimes in the ramblings one can learn something more about themselves
... I also find that on occasion, I have looked back at my own words and seen nothing that
was not laughable.
but I do suppose that for now I will stop rambling and go home
g'night

Following dreams and obtaining goals...

over the weekend, I went out of town to spend sometime with my cousin.  She is several years younger than me, but I found that I am quite impressed with her determination.  I don't know of many, if any, who set a goal for themselves and actually see it through.  My cousin, and many in my family actually, have a great love for Disney.  Since I can remember she has been engaged and enetertained by Disney films.  From the first time she visited Walt Disney World, I think she was hooked, and in her education she has worked towards her goal of being a Disney Imagineer. 
Yesterday she left the comforts of home and family to live in Orlando for the next eight months to work at Walt Disney World.  I find this determination to be most admirable!  I personally stumbled around in my early college courses thinking that I knew what I wanted to do, but it was only after about six years and another whole semester figuring out that while I still wanted to become a Doctor it was not a medical degree that I sought.  I failed the majority of the classes that I enrolled in, and decided to take a couple of creative writing classes.  I not only got straight A's and made the Dean's list, I found what I wanted to do for a career.  I am now in my last year of an English and Women's Studies double major.  So, in a sense I am fulfilling my goals, but my cousin is only 21 and is already so much closer to her dreams than I ever would have thought possible at the age of 21...
end of soap box now...

all in a day's work...

an introduction... my name is shelena, and I am new to the area and this school.  I moved from Indianaposlis in July of 2010.  I went to IUPUI and was a senior there working towards my degree in English- Creative writing with a minor in Women's Studies.  I lost credits in the transfer to this campus, though I'm not sure how or why, but because of that I am a junior.  One positive thing in this is that I am closer to a double major here, so I guess the trade off is ok. 
I got engaged last February, my partner and I have been together for four years.  She works for the department of homeland security, and is stationed in Detroit.  I moved to Fort Wayne to make the commute easier for us both.  The hope is that once all is said and done, I will have graduated and will be free to move where ever she gets stationed.
I plan to continue my studies, but have yet to decide whether those pursuits will lead me to my PhD in English, WOST, or both. 
My partner and I have a cat named Cat, and a hedgehog named Edwidge... And if you are wondering, there are many other pets that would offer more entertainment and/or companionship than a hedgehog...
today has been an especially long day, so I think for now, I am signing off...